Progresso-ing Along

I have been fun-sized out of the loop recently, but progress has been made! It has been one heck of a month so far. So many eating opportunities! My family celebrated Passover this week. As many of you may know, there is a strict no-anything-that-leavens ban for Passover to commemorate the Jewish people walking for a while. How was I able to make my goals with NO CARBS?! Well, god bless potato startch and steak! I also started (and ended) every meal with a lamb shank to commemorate the Jewish people doing something with sheep. The last trick of making Passover a Weight Positive Holiday was keeping the sugar intake high! I kept my calorie intake at a steady speed by constantly snacking on chocolate covered raspberry rings! These circular sugar staples are memory triggers of days gone by and commemorate the Jewish people killing the first born Egyptian child of each slave happy family!

Weight: 234

Saint Patrick's Day!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day to all my Irish brethren! Unfortunately, I don't have a drop of Irish blood in me, unless, of course you count all that black pudding I ate with breakfast this morning! Or that faulty transfusion. Like most holidays, Saint Patrick's Day is a wonderful opportunity to expand one's gastronomical repertoire. For breakfast I ate a traditional Full Irish Breakfast- not just the tea, you know! Two dozen eggs, plump white and black pudding sausages, loaf of larded toast, six fried tomatoes (Its not a fruit or veggie if you fry it!), three cans of beans (roasted traditionally over a hobo's fire), and marinated mushrooms (Its not a fruit if you fry it!)

For lunch and super I have been preparing all day for the most amazing feast of corned beef, cabbage, mashed potatoes, candied carrots and lots and lots of Guinness Cake. However, a problem did arise at about noon time. I totally forgot I'm allergic to oats- and those sausages were packed with them! I never remember because the allergy is usually so mild. And when am I just going to sit down and eat a bowl of cement-like oatmeal!? Common people!

Why did it have to be Saint Patrick’s Day, above all others, that my throat closes up to level so narrow only liquids could squeeze by? I was sure my day would be ruined. But it looks like this little (big) lady has been given a wee bit of the luck o the Irish! Underneath my extra convection oven I found an industrial sized blender! This thing can break down bone! And that’s exactly what I needed. I scraped every last drop of my Irish super into the blender and let it whirl. And boy oh boy- the colors and smells were magnificent! Why didn’t I just do this in the first place?

Once I had my supper in its 10 gallon vat, I scrambled around the house to find a straw (because I’m a lady). Not one could be found! Good thing I had an extra IV from the faulty transfusion! I filled her up and let her rip! I’m reporting now from my brown leather couch just taking the Irish in! Occasionally the chocolate chips clog up in the plastic tube, but it works its way in eventually. The Irish always do.

Weight: 213

Competition

Today I recieved many electronic mailings partaining to Donna Simpson, the 42 year old New Jersey mother who is eating diligantly to become the fattest woman in America. Thank you to those who have brought her story to my attention, for I must comment. When I first read about Ms. Simpson's persuits I became overwhelmed with jealously. Here was a woman twice my age, twice my size, doing everything I want to be doing, and doing it butter. Her calorie intake numbers are astonishing. 12,000 calories a day. And her goal is currently 1,000 pounds. Am I fooling myself to belive that I can hit 470 on a mere 4,000 calories every 24 hours? Ms. Simpson has also utilized technology to her advantage: movement is taken care of by a motorized scooter, and her food bill is fork fed by a group of generous male patrons who pay to watch her eat via webcam feed.

After a 50 oz roast beef sandwhich to calm me down, I realized that Ms. Simpson is not my enemy, she is not my competition, she is an inspiration. This is no Butter Battle Book. She is living the dream. And we are in it together. Ms. Simpson lit a fire under my rapidly proofed and rising bottom. I need to be as focused and determined as she is. I quit my job. I'm writing letters to companies for sponsorship, but I need to do more.

And to start, I must confess. The day before yesterday, I lost a bitter struggle with my will power and lost. I ate a carrot. I know what you're thinking. I am ashamed for the both of us. These kinds of slip ups will not keep the pounds rolling on. As I was chomping down on the vitamin A and fibre rich beast, I questioned my whole reasoning behind Fill This Bed. Is it worth it? Do I need to be 300 pounds heavier to make my queensized bed worth sleeping in? I reached my answer after some soul searching and a dozen Cadbury Creme Eggs. Yes. Of course its worth it. I have never been as happy as the night, while laying on my stomach, I felt myself lifted higher off the mattress than ever before.

Its all worth it. No more carrots. No more skimping on mayo. No more Lites or Nons or Diet stuffs. That part of my life is over and done. Its one Fruit by the Foot in front of the other. Ms. Simpson, you and I will scoot hand in plump hand into the future of our lives. The rich buttery future. Tomorrow is a new day. More specifically, Chicken Patty Day.

Special thanksgiving to Liz and David for sending me the story.  Source

Weight: 210

Back to the Old Country.

To commemorate my epic return to the east coast, I have decided treat myself to an equally epic meal at the Old Country Buffet. Once the ironic hotspot of South Shore teenagers, the OCB is on its way to becoming my second home. For under $10 all kinds of goodies can be got. And were talking quantity, ambiguous quality here.

My first course was a nice creamy tray of macaroni and cheese- An American Classic! I made it through the second course at the carving station like a champ. All was going well until I moseyed over to the turkey-shaped basket of dinner rolls. With a deep breath, I reaching into the turkey's midsection. My fingers were barely clasped around a single, warm dinner roll when suddenly it was snatched away by none other than Mike Sampson, the meanest, dirtiest grandson of Bodacious Beatrice, one of the Silver Seven at Savory Oak nursing home. My rage heightened as I noticed it was the last roll in the turkey. Mike is known for his goofs and pranks, but this, sir, went too far. As he turned on a chipper heal to head back to his family's table, I grabbed his shoulder. He knew why he was being stopped. I stared into his cold blue eyes. It was like looking into a doll with no soul. I told him to give it back. He said no. I said now. He said bite me. As I reached out my hand to grab the golden roll away he shoved the entire buttery ball into his mouth. I gasped. He laughed like a maniac. Unfortunitly for him, laughing with a mouth full of roll leads to choking. Good thing I just finished my CPR bush up at Savory Oak. The roll shot out of his esophagus and flew across the dining room. It landed with a plop in the Groovy Gravy. I may not have won the roll, but at least Mike didn't get the satisfaction of eating it. Plus he owes me is life.

Mike's parents were so grateful for my heroism they ordered Cassandra, the head cook at OCB, to bake up a new batch of dinner rolls. All for me.

Weight: 208

Beautiful People!

Wowy. LA is filled with beautiful people, like a gazillion of them. Everyone seems to have their act together; hair, makeup, perky boobs. Not to mention everyone's skin is so tight and tanned! It must be from laying all day in those tanners that look like french fry heat lamps. Now that would be a dream! Sunbathing under a fry lamp... with fries in it! A fry tub! Well, it would be a dream as long as ketchup flowed from the faucets. As they say, "No potatoes you shall fry without tomatoes far and wide!"

Weight: 206

Shamrock 'N Roll!

Its that time of the year when all chubby kids and Irish chubby kids rejoice: SHAMROCK SHAKE TIME! Saint McDonalds comes out with their green minty shake but once a year, and oh, is it wonderful. Because of my busy eating schedule, its only now on vacation that I was able to break away and find my glorious emerald wonder!

The shakes are much thicker this year which makes me think they are jam-packed with extra luck! Matter of fact I have been feeling super lucky since I drank it! Yesterday afternoon I found two quarters stuck under my arm just as I needed to pay a parking meter! And this morning just when I thought we had run out of whipped cream for my higher-than-the-John-Hancock stack of pancakes; I found a Sara Lee cake in the freezer to scrape off the frosting!

Week after next is Saint Patrick's Day in which I will get to gorge myself on corned beef and cabbage, Guinness and Krispy Kreme Donuts because after all, the 17th is a Wednesday.

Weight: 205

Everybody needs a VACAtion!

With the encouragement of the super sassy Silver Seven women's group at Savory Oak nursing home, where I volunteer twice a week, I have decided to go on vacation! What better place to go than sunny Los Angeles?! And what better time to go than February? Hopefully winter will be over upon my return to New England.

I have never been to Los Angeles (or LA!) before, but have heard great things. I mean, look at the movies! Its warm, people are happy and beautiful! My only concern is that you never see anybody eat. And I'm not going to let my diet slip just because I'm on vacation. California native and Savory Oak Silver Seven member, Phantastic Phyllis sat me down before I left and told me tales of a bodega on every corner! Hot dog palaces where celebrities dine! And hamburger joints where one can order meat by the bag-full! Boy oh boy I have my work set out for me.

PPhy hooked me up with one of her cousins to find the perfect mode of transportation for my stay. Can't wait for all the Hollywood royalty to see me rolling down Rodeo Drive in this!

Weight: 204

More like Last Lady, Miss-hell No-fun-ugh

Take a break, Michelle Obama. I was all for the new white house administration last year when Barack got into office, but now things are getting out of hand! The first lady, Michelle "Ruin-the-Fun" Obama, is waging a war on childhood obesity. Childhood is the BEST time for obesity! So what if you're the fat kid in school who gets picked last? If they didn't exist, we wouldn't have computers or comedians!

Mrs. Obama wants to ban snack foods and sodas from schools. It seems that the Obama administration wants to distroy a second financial system! Snack foods are essential comodities in schools for economic transactions. What do you do if a bully is giving you a hard time for wearing the same maroon corduroy overalls for the second day in a row? You hand him 2-3 snack food items and he will leave you alone for 18-24 hours. What do you do if you want to impress Johnny Cuccioni, class stud AND clown? Flash him a hostess cupcake and go halfsies on the sucker. What do you do if you want to raise the grade on your 5 paragraph essay on Lois Duncan's I Know What You Did Last Summer?  Not by placing an "apple" on a desk, but by handing your teacher generous packets of Gushers. Thats how it works!

This is just a typical Left Wing Democrat move. They can't leave our private lives alone! Here I am trying to gain 300 pounds in a year to fill my bed more comfortably, and Mrs. Brussels Sprouts is telling me I can't eat snack foods filled with high fructose corn syrup and trans fats! Ummm question: How am I supposed to do it without Dunkaroos and Fruit by the Foot? My childhood eating habits laid the groundwork for my scale-busting challenge of my early twenties! If it weren't for Milanos or Cheez-Its I wouldn't even be here. So take your kale, Mrs. 32-Percent-of-America's-Children-Are-Overweight-or-Obese, and go give it to someone who cares. Like rabbits. Hungry, vegan rabbits.

Weight: 202

200 Pounds!

I can hardly believe it happened! I hit 200 pounds! It was only a month ago that I weighed a mere 170. Through persistence, friendship and a whole lot of transfats; I have reached the first marker of my goal! 30 down, 270 to go!

I'm not going to say it was easy. Eating almost 5000 calories a day is a full time job. That is why I have decided to quit my job and devote my time to gaining this weight! I mean, who needs 401K of anything except semi-sweet chocolate morsels? I figure the best way to monetarily support myself is to get a sponsor. That is why I am reaching out to the fine people at the Kraft Food Corporation. If anyone can pass the following letter along, I'd appreciate it!

Dear Mr. Kraft (and the Kraft Family of Products),

Hello- This is Natalie from Boston, MA. You and I have a lot in common. I am a lady. You are a gentleman. I can only assume we both go through more than a dozen cans of Cheez Whiz a day and eat Oreos for breakfast. Therefore it is easy for me to propose a business opportunity. Upon purchasing a queen size bed, I decided to gain 300 pounds to fill it up better. This would be a perfect sponsorship opportunity. (Do you have access to bed frames in the shape of a Philadelphia Cream Cheese box?)
Please contact me ASAP. 

xoxo,
Natalie
781-XXX-XXXX

Weight: 200

ITS GIRL SCOUT COOOOOKIE TIIIIIIME!!!

Clear your freezer; its Girl Scout Cookie time! Who knows what makes Girl Scout cookies far superior to every other kind of cookie ever. The quality? The flavors? The fact that you're buying it from a dated concept? EITHER WAY THEY ARE GREAT!

I'm the one in the middle!

Let it be known that I was a proud Girl Scout all the way up until High School. We weren't the coolest troop in the community, but we were the laziest. I don't think I ever earned a single badge. We didn't play by the rules. Instead of learning to sew tiny pillows, we called into our local top 40 station to request some Amy Grant. Instead of hiking in our backyards, we went white water rafting. Instead of sleeping over at the Museum of Science, we slept over at a local gym/spa.

But one thing we played by the book was Cookie Time. And I took it dead serious. I'll say right off the bat that I was the number one seller in my troop for many years running. I'm not bragging, its just history. There was nothing like getting that winning commemorative t-shirt with a dandelion picture or stuffed Koala that turns inside out to become a globe. Of course I had help from my relatives who took orders in their offices, but I think the classic door to door was always the best strategy. I mean, who can resist? Its not like I was selling sharp, sharp knives. I always resented the girls who got to sit out in front of the supermarket or subway station. They made BANK. But you think those locations come cheap? Those troops always had some kind of insider connection to the big names in scouting. Sell outs.

Each year since I "became too old" for Girl Scouts, I have reminisced by gorging on the sweet morsels of greatness. This year I purchased 100 boxes. 50 Thin Mints, 20 Samoas, 10 Do-si-dos, 5 Tagalongs, 5 *new* Lemon Chalet Creams, and 10 classic Shortbread Trefoils (I know they are the sucky ones, but Grandma likes them). It put me back $400, but its worth it. I'll probably go through the boxes in a week or so, but I'll keep one of each in the freezer for when I need a fix this summer.

Weight: 198

A Lady's First Moo Moo

To celebrate my positive growth, I treated myself to an authentic, teal blue Moo Moo dress. Its vintage too, from the 1970s or something. AND its from Mexico! A Mexican Moo Moo, or as they call it, a Vaca Vaca.

Ever since my junior year of high school I have secretly wished to own a Moo Moo. It was all because of my silver-fox chemistry teacher, Dr. D. Boy was she strict! But as any lady who conquers in a man's field, she became one of my heroes. And did Dr. D love Moo Moos. Wore them every day. My favorite was this floor length paisley maroon number with lace on the short sleeves. The dresses were always paired with a droopy stocking and black flats. It was a look. And the way she commanded the room while we took word-for-word dictation of her formulas and experiments! That was confidence. Undoubtedly from those worn, pilling, synched fabrics.

It may be too soon in the game to be stocking up on Moo Moos, especially because there are entire collections of actual nicely designed, plus size clothing to delve into before I hit the tea cosy stage. But its definitely a stage I look forward to. iViva la Vaca Vaca!

Weight: 195

Weight Watchers Week 3D

Last night I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. Let's just say it didn't go as smooth as a Jamba Juice spill on satin sheets. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised there was no snack table. Not a single Girl Scout cookie in sight. Tis the season for Thin Mints!

The moment I walked into the dusty VFW I immediately recognized the checkout lady from the corner package store on my street. Sometimes I stroll down there for a midnight bag of Chips Ahoy or a sixer of hard Lemonade- when I need to relax! Nothing like cracking open a Mike's in the tub while BNL is blasting through my shower radio. She smiled and motioned for me to sit next to her. She told me her name was Carol and welcomed me to the meeting. 

Carol has been doing Weight Watchers for almost ten years. It has helped her maintain her goal weight through three kids, a nasty divorce and an even-nastier re-marriage. Now thats a role model! She was actually surprised to see me there, explaining that I didn't have much "junk in my trunk to haul to the yard." I told her that, actually, I'm here to gain weight. And she laughed! And I laughed! It was a great laugh session until I told her bold faced, seriously, I'm here to gain 300 pounds. Well, its 272 to go now. She asked why. I told her about the bed. She didn't get it. Almost in a mad teacher voice, she asked why I would ever want to to that to myself, and why wouldn't I just get a body pillow, or I don't know, a boyfriend. And I laughed! And she didn't. So I wished her well and we parted ways. 

I thought the Weight Watchers community would be as welcoming as the circus to a recent teenage runaway, regardless of how far they had to go to reach their goal. I guess not. Maybe I'll continue to count my points in secret. Maybe I'll just track the calories like I was before. Either way, I have to find a new shop to get midnight cookies and malt beverages. 

Weight: 193

Weight Watchers Week PART DEUX

The point system is going well. I spent a few hours today decorating a custom notebook to record my food points. I'm discovering so much about the food I'm ingesting. Who would have thought a whole apple pie would have so many calories?! I mean, APPLES ARE A FRUIT! Or so I was told in school! I hope my food education doesn't turn into one of those falling-through-the-rabbit-hole experiences like when we discovered tobacco was bad. Or that Hugh Laurie wasn't American.

I knocked today's 151 points out of the park, and I hope to do even better tomorrow! I plan on breaking 200 pounds by the end of the week if I have to eat a Friendly's Jubilee Roll every step on the way!
Weight: 190

Weight Watchers Week!

While laboring over the daunting task of tracking my calorie intake, I recalled the four months in middle school I tried Weight Watchers to lose that elementary-school-chub. This fairly reasonable weight loss program designates a number of points to a portion of food, and then you can only ingest your alloted number of points per day. In addition to tracking points, you must exercise and attend support meetings where they weigh you and give you all kinds of pep talks.

I never went to the meetings when I was in middle school. Firstly because I wasn't an official paying Weight Watchers member (I used the pamphlets and point books left over from my mother's trials). Secondly, as a young person with a preexisting geeky reputation, if word got around from mother to mother to son to daughter, middle school could have been made even worse.
Even worse than it already was!? No!
Yes! No way would I allow that to happen! So I tracked my points in secret. I didn't lose weight, but it did make me think about what I put into my mouth constantly! And there is nothing more exhausting on your guilt than looking up the points for Applebee's mozzarella sticks and virgin piña coladas from those crazy 12th birthday parties!

Now I have reached back into the hallowed, cobweb infested corners of my parents' attic to find those point books and pamphlets once again. So it didn't help me lose weight? Maybe it will help me gain weight! If I were looking to maintain my current poundage, I would be allowed to eat 20-27 points per day. To reach my goal of 470 pounds by the end of the year, I need to eat 100 points per day. That is totally less overwhelming to think about than ingesting 4700 calories per day! This week is my Weight Watchers trial week. Let's see how it goes! Maybe someday it will make me a cover girl!

Weight: 188

SOUP OR BOWL (of fries)

GOOOOOOOOO SAINTS! That's right, I rooted for the New Orleans Saints to win this year's Super Bowl Championships. What you may be surprised to hear is that I have little to zero knowledge or interest in the game of football. How would I then go about picking which team to support? Not by jumping on any bandwagon, but by food of native city of course! I created this scorecard to help me choose.

Weight: 187

This progress deserves a prog-Frappuccino!

What a week it has been! The dreary cold of the outside has forced me to stay indoors and create new calorie concoctions. I feel like Edwin Land- thats how much I have been inventing! But unlike Land, I will not be shaking it like a Polaroid picture. All these fat molecules are staying on these bones. This week I experimented specifically with the Frappe, or milkshake as you non-new englanders would call it.

Monday: The Standard
3 scoops Brigham's vanilla ice cream
1c Whole milk
5 T Nesquick powder
2 c Ice
Blend in a blender until real blendy. Top with whipped cream and enjoy- although you don't need to tell me that last part!

Tuesday: The Impending Snow Storm
3 scoops Coconut Ice Cream
1/2 c Chocolate flakes

3 T Marshmallows in the shape of shovels

1 t Fireplace smelling liquor

Blend well then pour on front steps to stop ice buildup.

Wednesday: The Greek (Like the second season of the Wire!!!)

3 scoops plain Frozen Yogurt
1/4 c Cucumber
1 T Dill
3 T Lemon Juice
1 T Olive Oil
1 c Ice
Blend like you need to cover up a terrible crime ring by cutting up a perfectly nice Polish dock worker and tossing him into the Chesapeake Bay!

Thursday: The Sandra Bullock Oscar Nomination
3 scoops Ice Cream
2-3 c whatever the hell you can find in your kitchen that looks pretty but doesn't necessarily have any nutritional substance or flavor
1 c Ice
Blend like nothing makes sense anymore. Except for Miss Congeniality.

Friday: The Massachusetts Republican Senator
3 scoops Strawberry Ice Cream
1/2 c Peanut Butter
1/4 c Chocolate Chips
1/4 c Ritz Crackers
1 c Ice
Blend until the taste is perfect THEN THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.


Of course, those last directions are just goofing! In frappe week you have to drink all the frappes and NOTHING but them all day every day. This was my best week yet!


Weight: 185

And then a Gyro comes along

If there's anything I learned from the second season of Dexter, its that you need to have a sponsor when going through a twelve step program. And like Dexter, I'm using this support group method to beat something other than drug abuse. While he was trying to deal with his rampant murdering, I'm trying to deal with eating a lot of food.

The perfect sponsor is someone who has been where you have and conquered their goal. This is why I am reaching out to fellow heavy eater, Morgan Spurlock from Hollywood's Super Size Me. I didn't have time to actually see the movie, so I quickly scanned the wikipedia page and I think we'll be a real good fit. Our sponsorship will be symbiotic. We will guide each other to our goals. For me, its 470 pounds, for him, its probably a TV deal on a real network (unlike FX).

I chose Spurlock for two other reasons. First, I have met him before. When I was just a wee college student working as an intern at a fancy shmancy hotel downtown, he asked me where the ballroom was. And I told him! That kind of bond was just setting the foundation for what will be my most important relationship! You need trust as well as support. Secondly, with the connections he has at McDonalds, I'm secretly hoping we can become unofficial mascots and make up our own Super Value Meal! We'll call it Succeed Meal! It will have every burger on the menu wrapped up into an extra large fajita and deep fried! My mouth is watering as I type.

If anyone happens to have his email address, Id really appreciate it.

Weight: 179

You can find me in the club.

When I decided to gain 300 pounds to make sleeping in my queen sized bed more comfortable, I did not take into consideration how much it was going to cost me. Turns out food is expensive! Depending on where you shop, the price of an item could inflate as much as 50%. For example, I live right next to a Shaws. Its super convenient, but extra expensive on the calorie-heavy items such as whipped cream, ground beef and Cheez-Its. They have an excellent reduced price produce shelf where you can get really-nothings-wrong-just-needs-a-good-wash vegetables for 99 cents a package- BUT produce isn't going to help me pack on the pounds.

There is a Marketbasket a half mile away where everything is much more reasonable because of their big box pricing. BUT thats a half mile away! I don't want to worry about expending extra calories to just get a dollar off here and there. What store would be worth that kind of expenditure? It would have to be huge. And the portion sizing would be on the super-sized scale. I'd also like to be able to buy pre-made birthday cakes by the dozen. Does such a heaven exist? Yes. Medford BJ's Wholesale Club.

When I first walked into this miraculous establishment it was like entering that big world level in Mario. I recognized all the name brands and logos, but these boxes were not built for humans- they were built for giants! One 60 oz jar of mustard after the other I became entranced with this beautiful garden of glut! But much like a giant's fortress, BJ's is protected by a fleet of apron clad security. I was greeted by one guard who looked fairly seasick and smelled of taffy. He pointed me to the check in desk where I was given my own BJ's Wholesale Club Card! This means I can return to this beautiful castle of bulk anytime I please! And I will.

My first trip to BJ's cost me $473.87. Most of that is from the hams. Its for the goal! Maybe I should consider getting a corporate sponsor...

Weight: 178

Not a good time to get sick, or is it?

My immune system is apparently vacationing somewhere in the Caribbean (hopefully helping to rebuild Haiti) because I am sick! My poor olfactory glands are causing my delicious food to lose its flavor. And these decongestants are slowing my appetite! The common cold is becoming my common enemy.

However, I have found a few sugar-coated linings on my dreary cotton candy cloud of snot. First of all, Im bedridden! Yay! Ill lose fewer calories from walking and moving up and down stairs. I have also recruited my roommates to pay for my delivery food and serve it to me in bed- like a romantic movie!

It has been almost a week now with the bed and I'm getting to know it a little better. At one REM filled moment last night, I kicked my sheets off my comfy fortress! (It was that reoccurring dream about wading in an above-ground pool filled with guinea pigs.) I laid there freezing in my jamjams just wishing I were covered in a thicker layer of blubber to keep me warm. The thoughts of that day coming soon kept my spirits up through the night, and kept my mind of my chilly toes. Chilly toes... Chilitos... Chilitos: Chili Flavored Tortilla Chips! Genius! Everyone mark your calendar that today is the historic day that I created Chilitos!

Secondly, it turns out that cough syrup at 15 calories per teaspoon! Thats more that Coca-Cola! I have been drinking the stuff by the case load for the last four hours. I know the bottle says I should not exceed 60 mL in 24 hours BUT thats just a suggested serving size, like pasta! I don't think I've ingested this much cough syrup since the 7th grade winter ball! And that night was filled with magic: that pretty purple dress, the macarena with the soccer team,  my first slow dance with Krangdore, the troll king. Can't wait to see what magic tonight will bring. Im guessing something to do with hostess cupcakes and curry lentils!

Weight: 175

In the Office

Work at the office was difficult today. I had to keep sneaking away from my cubicle to stuff Mars bars down my already chocolate-coated throat. Oh gosh, am I already complaining?! I LOVE Mars bars! I should be grateful that while my coworkers are picking at a 10 oz tupperware of wilted romaine and baby carrots I could literally eat a baby and not feel bad about it going to my waistline! I could eat four babies and not worry. Four human babies!

I decided to come out to my workmates about my goal. They would have noticed eventually as the candy wrappers poured from my desk and people's lunches started to disappear from the fridge as if we were suddenly infested by an impoverished gnome family. I will, of course, need Sandra from HR on my side if I ever plan on getting a double wide rolley chair.

Janet from accounts cornered me by the communal refrigerator to compliment me on my "endeavors." However genuine her thoughts might have been, I couldn't help but notice her staring at a piece of nougat suck to my cardigan. Wise up, Janet, this nougat is mine.

Weight: 174 

So far, so baby. I mean, good.

Staying on Track

The first three weeks of starting (or ending) a routine are the hardest. It took me three weeks to become a vegetarian back in 2006 and its going to take me three weeks to get used to my 4700 calorie a day diet. Yesterday morning started out rough. As I stood in front of my celling high waffle stack, I questioned whether or not to use real or fake maple syrup. Before I set my goal to fill my bed with my own huge self, I wouldn't have thought twice and gone for the real, 100% local goodness. Because of its own natural richness you can always use less than Butterworth's stuff. But at this point, I need to go beyond taste and reach for those calories! So I poured on the whole jar of food coloring and simple syrup, and topped it off with some wholesome pints of coffee flavored Brigham's Ice Cream- after all, I still want to support local businesses.

This morning I couldn't help myself and grabbed a bowl of muesli- bad choice! Too much fiber! So I threw my treadmill off of the Mystic River bridge to make up for it.

The Start

Here are my starting facts and figures:

Age: 23
Gender: Female
Height: 5 feet (on the button!)
Weight: A lady never tells, but this is a blog and on blogs you have to be honest, so Im about 170.
BMI: 35. Means I'm technically obese ALREADY!

Goal Weight: 470
Goal BMI: 91.8

Its going to be a lot of work, but I can do it. Give me strength!

The Decision

OK, so here's the story. I just moved from my parent's house in the suburbs to beautiful, sweet Boston. As a part of my transition into adulthood, I decided it was time to buy a "Big Girl Bed" or at least something larger than the twin I have been sleeping in since I rolled out of the crib. So mom and I went to Herb's Rest Stop in Norwood to pick out my sleeping partner for the third of my life I spend curled up and snoring. There she was in the corner: simple, soft, secure. This queen sized wonder was mine the moment I laid eyes on her rippling cotton.

Our first night together was a bit awkward, sure, but it was wonderful. I slept in positions I didn't know were possible! Night two we cuddled soundly as if we were never apart. But by night three I noticed something strange, distant. It was loneliness. I never noticed it while sleeping in my twin built for one. There was suddenly too much space around me. It was cold. So this morning I decided a change was needed. I could only think of two ways to properly fill the bed to my comfort and satisfaction: buy a ton of pillows or gain 300 lbs. I decided to gain 300 lbs.

How hard can it be? I love food. I don't have a job that requires me to be svelte. And millions of people are big enough to fill up their queen sized beds, no problem! I decided to record my journey here, mostly for support and to help me keep on track.

How am I going to do it? By eating a lot, silly! It takes roughly 3200 calories to gain a pound and we lose about 1500 calories a day digesting and stuff, so as long as I eat at least 4700 calories a day for the next 10 months, Ill reach my goal by next winter!

That doesn't sound very healthy? Actors gain weight for parts all the time. So do bears for winter.

I'm looking forward to what this change will bring, both in my sleeping life, and personally. Plus I'll get to eat a lot of pie. And I love pie.