Take a break, Michelle Obama. I was all for the new white house administration last year when Barack got into office, but now things are getting out of hand! The first lady, Michelle "Ruin-the-Fun" Obama, is waging a war on childhood obesity. Childhood is the BEST time for obesity! So what if you're the fat kid in school who gets picked last? If they didn't exist, we wouldn't have computers or comedians!
Mrs. Obama wants to ban snack foods and sodas from schools. It seems that the Obama administration wants to distroy a second financial system! Snack foods are essential comodities in schools for economic transactions. What do you do if a bully is giving you a hard time for wearing the same maroon corduroy overalls for the second day in a row? You hand him 2-3 snack food items and he will leave you alone for 18-24 hours. What do you do if you want to impress Johnny Cuccioni, class stud AND clown? Flash him a hostess cupcake and go halfsies on the sucker. What do you do if you want to raise the grade on your 5 paragraph essay on Lois Duncan's I Know What You Did Last Summer? Not by placing an "apple" on a desk, but by handing your teacher generous packets of Gushers. Thats how it works!
This is just a typical Left Wing Democrat move. They can't leave our private lives alone! Here I am trying to gain 300 pounds in a year to fill my bed more comfortably, and Mrs. Brussels Sprouts is telling me I can't eat snack foods filled with high fructose corn syrup and trans fats! Ummm question: How am I supposed to do it without Dunkaroos and Fruit by the Foot? My childhood eating habits laid the groundwork for my scale-busting challenge of my early twenties! If it weren't for Milanos or Cheez-Its I wouldn't even be here. So take your kale, Mrs. 32-Percent-of-America's-Children-Are-Overweight-or-Obese, and go give it to someone who cares. Like rabbits. Hungry, vegan rabbits.
Weight: 202
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