Everybody needs a VACAtion!

With the encouragement of the super sassy Silver Seven women's group at Savory Oak nursing home, where I volunteer twice a week, I have decided to go on vacation! What better place to go than sunny Los Angeles?! And what better time to go than February? Hopefully winter will be over upon my return to New England.

I have never been to Los Angeles (or LA!) before, but have heard great things. I mean, look at the movies! Its warm, people are happy and beautiful! My only concern is that you never see anybody eat. And I'm not going to let my diet slip just because I'm on vacation. California native and Savory Oak Silver Seven member, Phantastic Phyllis sat me down before I left and told me tales of a bodega on every corner! Hot dog palaces where celebrities dine! And hamburger joints where one can order meat by the bag-full! Boy oh boy I have my work set out for me.

PPhy hooked me up with one of her cousins to find the perfect mode of transportation for my stay. Can't wait for all the Hollywood royalty to see me rolling down Rodeo Drive in this!

Weight: 204

More like Last Lady, Miss-hell No-fun-ugh

Take a break, Michelle Obama. I was all for the new white house administration last year when Barack got into office, but now things are getting out of hand! The first lady, Michelle "Ruin-the-Fun" Obama, is waging a war on childhood obesity. Childhood is the BEST time for obesity! So what if you're the fat kid in school who gets picked last? If they didn't exist, we wouldn't have computers or comedians!

Mrs. Obama wants to ban snack foods and sodas from schools. It seems that the Obama administration wants to distroy a second financial system! Snack foods are essential comodities in schools for economic transactions. What do you do if a bully is giving you a hard time for wearing the same maroon corduroy overalls for the second day in a row? You hand him 2-3 snack food items and he will leave you alone for 18-24 hours. What do you do if you want to impress Johnny Cuccioni, class stud AND clown? Flash him a hostess cupcake and go halfsies on the sucker. What do you do if you want to raise the grade on your 5 paragraph essay on Lois Duncan's I Know What You Did Last Summer?  Not by placing an "apple" on a desk, but by handing your teacher generous packets of Gushers. Thats how it works!

This is just a typical Left Wing Democrat move. They can't leave our private lives alone! Here I am trying to gain 300 pounds in a year to fill my bed more comfortably, and Mrs. Brussels Sprouts is telling me I can't eat snack foods filled with high fructose corn syrup and trans fats! Ummm question: How am I supposed to do it without Dunkaroos and Fruit by the Foot? My childhood eating habits laid the groundwork for my scale-busting challenge of my early twenties! If it weren't for Milanos or Cheez-Its I wouldn't even be here. So take your kale, Mrs. 32-Percent-of-America's-Children-Are-Overweight-or-Obese, and go give it to someone who cares. Like rabbits. Hungry, vegan rabbits.

Weight: 202

200 Pounds!

I can hardly believe it happened! I hit 200 pounds! It was only a month ago that I weighed a mere 170. Through persistence, friendship and a whole lot of transfats; I have reached the first marker of my goal! 30 down, 270 to go!

I'm not going to say it was easy. Eating almost 5000 calories a day is a full time job. That is why I have decided to quit my job and devote my time to gaining this weight! I mean, who needs 401K of anything except semi-sweet chocolate morsels? I figure the best way to monetarily support myself is to get a sponsor. That is why I am reaching out to the fine people at the Kraft Food Corporation. If anyone can pass the following letter along, I'd appreciate it!

Dear Mr. Kraft (and the Kraft Family of Products),

Hello- This is Natalie from Boston, MA. You and I have a lot in common. I am a lady. You are a gentleman. I can only assume we both go through more than a dozen cans of Cheez Whiz a day and eat Oreos for breakfast. Therefore it is easy for me to propose a business opportunity. Upon purchasing a queen size bed, I decided to gain 300 pounds to fill it up better. This would be a perfect sponsorship opportunity. (Do you have access to bed frames in the shape of a Philadelphia Cream Cheese box?)
Please contact me ASAP. 

xoxo,
Natalie
781-XXX-XXXX

Weight: 200

ITS GIRL SCOUT COOOOOKIE TIIIIIIME!!!

Clear your freezer; its Girl Scout Cookie time! Who knows what makes Girl Scout cookies far superior to every other kind of cookie ever. The quality? The flavors? The fact that you're buying it from a dated concept? EITHER WAY THEY ARE GREAT!

I'm the one in the middle!

Let it be known that I was a proud Girl Scout all the way up until High School. We weren't the coolest troop in the community, but we were the laziest. I don't think I ever earned a single badge. We didn't play by the rules. Instead of learning to sew tiny pillows, we called into our local top 40 station to request some Amy Grant. Instead of hiking in our backyards, we went white water rafting. Instead of sleeping over at the Museum of Science, we slept over at a local gym/spa.

But one thing we played by the book was Cookie Time. And I took it dead serious. I'll say right off the bat that I was the number one seller in my troop for many years running. I'm not bragging, its just history. There was nothing like getting that winning commemorative t-shirt with a dandelion picture or stuffed Koala that turns inside out to become a globe. Of course I had help from my relatives who took orders in their offices, but I think the classic door to door was always the best strategy. I mean, who can resist? Its not like I was selling sharp, sharp knives. I always resented the girls who got to sit out in front of the supermarket or subway station. They made BANK. But you think those locations come cheap? Those troops always had some kind of insider connection to the big names in scouting. Sell outs.

Each year since I "became too old" for Girl Scouts, I have reminisced by gorging on the sweet morsels of greatness. This year I purchased 100 boxes. 50 Thin Mints, 20 Samoas, 10 Do-si-dos, 5 Tagalongs, 5 *new* Lemon Chalet Creams, and 10 classic Shortbread Trefoils (I know they are the sucky ones, but Grandma likes them). It put me back $400, but its worth it. I'll probably go through the boxes in a week or so, but I'll keep one of each in the freezer for when I need a fix this summer.

Weight: 198

A Lady's First Moo Moo

To celebrate my positive growth, I treated myself to an authentic, teal blue Moo Moo dress. Its vintage too, from the 1970s or something. AND its from Mexico! A Mexican Moo Moo, or as they call it, a Vaca Vaca.

Ever since my junior year of high school I have secretly wished to own a Moo Moo. It was all because of my silver-fox chemistry teacher, Dr. D. Boy was she strict! But as any lady who conquers in a man's field, she became one of my heroes. And did Dr. D love Moo Moos. Wore them every day. My favorite was this floor length paisley maroon number with lace on the short sleeves. The dresses were always paired with a droopy stocking and black flats. It was a look. And the way she commanded the room while we took word-for-word dictation of her formulas and experiments! That was confidence. Undoubtedly from those worn, pilling, synched fabrics.

It may be too soon in the game to be stocking up on Moo Moos, especially because there are entire collections of actual nicely designed, plus size clothing to delve into before I hit the tea cosy stage. But its definitely a stage I look forward to. iViva la Vaca Vaca!

Weight: 195

Weight Watchers Week 3D

Last night I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. Let's just say it didn't go as smooth as a Jamba Juice spill on satin sheets. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised there was no snack table. Not a single Girl Scout cookie in sight. Tis the season for Thin Mints!

The moment I walked into the dusty VFW I immediately recognized the checkout lady from the corner package store on my street. Sometimes I stroll down there for a midnight bag of Chips Ahoy or a sixer of hard Lemonade- when I need to relax! Nothing like cracking open a Mike's in the tub while BNL is blasting through my shower radio. She smiled and motioned for me to sit next to her. She told me her name was Carol and welcomed me to the meeting. 

Carol has been doing Weight Watchers for almost ten years. It has helped her maintain her goal weight through three kids, a nasty divorce and an even-nastier re-marriage. Now thats a role model! She was actually surprised to see me there, explaining that I didn't have much "junk in my trunk to haul to the yard." I told her that, actually, I'm here to gain weight. And she laughed! And I laughed! It was a great laugh session until I told her bold faced, seriously, I'm here to gain 300 pounds. Well, its 272 to go now. She asked why. I told her about the bed. She didn't get it. Almost in a mad teacher voice, she asked why I would ever want to to that to myself, and why wouldn't I just get a body pillow, or I don't know, a boyfriend. And I laughed! And she didn't. So I wished her well and we parted ways. 

I thought the Weight Watchers community would be as welcoming as the circus to a recent teenage runaway, regardless of how far they had to go to reach their goal. I guess not. Maybe I'll continue to count my points in secret. Maybe I'll just track the calories like I was before. Either way, I have to find a new shop to get midnight cookies and malt beverages. 

Weight: 193

Weight Watchers Week PART DEUX

The point system is going well. I spent a few hours today decorating a custom notebook to record my food points. I'm discovering so much about the food I'm ingesting. Who would have thought a whole apple pie would have so many calories?! I mean, APPLES ARE A FRUIT! Or so I was told in school! I hope my food education doesn't turn into one of those falling-through-the-rabbit-hole experiences like when we discovered tobacco was bad. Or that Hugh Laurie wasn't American.

I knocked today's 151 points out of the park, and I hope to do even better tomorrow! I plan on breaking 200 pounds by the end of the week if I have to eat a Friendly's Jubilee Roll every step on the way!
Weight: 190

Weight Watchers Week!

While laboring over the daunting task of tracking my calorie intake, I recalled the four months in middle school I tried Weight Watchers to lose that elementary-school-chub. This fairly reasonable weight loss program designates a number of points to a portion of food, and then you can only ingest your alloted number of points per day. In addition to tracking points, you must exercise and attend support meetings where they weigh you and give you all kinds of pep talks.

I never went to the meetings when I was in middle school. Firstly because I wasn't an official paying Weight Watchers member (I used the pamphlets and point books left over from my mother's trials). Secondly, as a young person with a preexisting geeky reputation, if word got around from mother to mother to son to daughter, middle school could have been made even worse.
Even worse than it already was!? No!
Yes! No way would I allow that to happen! So I tracked my points in secret. I didn't lose weight, but it did make me think about what I put into my mouth constantly! And there is nothing more exhausting on your guilt than looking up the points for Applebee's mozzarella sticks and virgin piña coladas from those crazy 12th birthday parties!

Now I have reached back into the hallowed, cobweb infested corners of my parents' attic to find those point books and pamphlets once again. So it didn't help me lose weight? Maybe it will help me gain weight! If I were looking to maintain my current poundage, I would be allowed to eat 20-27 points per day. To reach my goal of 470 pounds by the end of the year, I need to eat 100 points per day. That is totally less overwhelming to think about than ingesting 4700 calories per day! This week is my Weight Watchers trial week. Let's see how it goes! Maybe someday it will make me a cover girl!

Weight: 188

SOUP OR BOWL (of fries)

GOOOOOOOOO SAINTS! That's right, I rooted for the New Orleans Saints to win this year's Super Bowl Championships. What you may be surprised to hear is that I have little to zero knowledge or interest in the game of football. How would I then go about picking which team to support? Not by jumping on any bandwagon, but by food of native city of course! I created this scorecard to help me choose.

Weight: 187

This progress deserves a prog-Frappuccino!

What a week it has been! The dreary cold of the outside has forced me to stay indoors and create new calorie concoctions. I feel like Edwin Land- thats how much I have been inventing! But unlike Land, I will not be shaking it like a Polaroid picture. All these fat molecules are staying on these bones. This week I experimented specifically with the Frappe, or milkshake as you non-new englanders would call it.

Monday: The Standard
3 scoops Brigham's vanilla ice cream
1c Whole milk
5 T Nesquick powder
2 c Ice
Blend in a blender until real blendy. Top with whipped cream and enjoy- although you don't need to tell me that last part!

Tuesday: The Impending Snow Storm
3 scoops Coconut Ice Cream
1/2 c Chocolate flakes

3 T Marshmallows in the shape of shovels

1 t Fireplace smelling liquor

Blend well then pour on front steps to stop ice buildup.

Wednesday: The Greek (Like the second season of the Wire!!!)

3 scoops plain Frozen Yogurt
1/4 c Cucumber
1 T Dill
3 T Lemon Juice
1 T Olive Oil
1 c Ice
Blend like you need to cover up a terrible crime ring by cutting up a perfectly nice Polish dock worker and tossing him into the Chesapeake Bay!

Thursday: The Sandra Bullock Oscar Nomination
3 scoops Ice Cream
2-3 c whatever the hell you can find in your kitchen that looks pretty but doesn't necessarily have any nutritional substance or flavor
1 c Ice
Blend like nothing makes sense anymore. Except for Miss Congeniality.

Friday: The Massachusetts Republican Senator
3 scoops Strawberry Ice Cream
1/2 c Peanut Butter
1/4 c Chocolate Chips
1/4 c Ritz Crackers
1 c Ice
Blend until the taste is perfect THEN THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.


Of course, those last directions are just goofing! In frappe week you have to drink all the frappes and NOTHING but them all day every day. This was my best week yet!


Weight: 185