And then a Gyro comes along

If there's anything I learned from the second season of Dexter, its that you need to have a sponsor when going through a twelve step program. And like Dexter, I'm using this support group method to beat something other than drug abuse. While he was trying to deal with his rampant murdering, I'm trying to deal with eating a lot of food.

The perfect sponsor is someone who has been where you have and conquered their goal. This is why I am reaching out to fellow heavy eater, Morgan Spurlock from Hollywood's Super Size Me. I didn't have time to actually see the movie, so I quickly scanned the wikipedia page and I think we'll be a real good fit. Our sponsorship will be symbiotic. We will guide each other to our goals. For me, its 470 pounds, for him, its probably a TV deal on a real network (unlike FX).

I chose Spurlock for two other reasons. First, I have met him before. When I was just a wee college student working as an intern at a fancy shmancy hotel downtown, he asked me where the ballroom was. And I told him! That kind of bond was just setting the foundation for what will be my most important relationship! You need trust as well as support. Secondly, with the connections he has at McDonalds, I'm secretly hoping we can become unofficial mascots and make up our own Super Value Meal! We'll call it Succeed Meal! It will have every burger on the menu wrapped up into an extra large fajita and deep fried! My mouth is watering as I type.

If anyone happens to have his email address, Id really appreciate it.

Weight: 179

You can find me in the club.

When I decided to gain 300 pounds to make sleeping in my queen sized bed more comfortable, I did not take into consideration how much it was going to cost me. Turns out food is expensive! Depending on where you shop, the price of an item could inflate as much as 50%. For example, I live right next to a Shaws. Its super convenient, but extra expensive on the calorie-heavy items such as whipped cream, ground beef and Cheez-Its. They have an excellent reduced price produce shelf where you can get really-nothings-wrong-just-needs-a-good-wash vegetables for 99 cents a package- BUT produce isn't going to help me pack on the pounds.

There is a Marketbasket a half mile away where everything is much more reasonable because of their big box pricing. BUT thats a half mile away! I don't want to worry about expending extra calories to just get a dollar off here and there. What store would be worth that kind of expenditure? It would have to be huge. And the portion sizing would be on the super-sized scale. I'd also like to be able to buy pre-made birthday cakes by the dozen. Does such a heaven exist? Yes. Medford BJ's Wholesale Club.

When I first walked into this miraculous establishment it was like entering that big world level in Mario. I recognized all the name brands and logos, but these boxes were not built for humans- they were built for giants! One 60 oz jar of mustard after the other I became entranced with this beautiful garden of glut! But much like a giant's fortress, BJ's is protected by a fleet of apron clad security. I was greeted by one guard who looked fairly seasick and smelled of taffy. He pointed me to the check in desk where I was given my own BJ's Wholesale Club Card! This means I can return to this beautiful castle of bulk anytime I please! And I will.

My first trip to BJ's cost me $473.87. Most of that is from the hams. Its for the goal! Maybe I should consider getting a corporate sponsor...

Weight: 178

Not a good time to get sick, or is it?

My immune system is apparently vacationing somewhere in the Caribbean (hopefully helping to rebuild Haiti) because I am sick! My poor olfactory glands are causing my delicious food to lose its flavor. And these decongestants are slowing my appetite! The common cold is becoming my common enemy.

However, I have found a few sugar-coated linings on my dreary cotton candy cloud of snot. First of all, Im bedridden! Yay! Ill lose fewer calories from walking and moving up and down stairs. I have also recruited my roommates to pay for my delivery food and serve it to me in bed- like a romantic movie!

It has been almost a week now with the bed and I'm getting to know it a little better. At one REM filled moment last night, I kicked my sheets off my comfy fortress! (It was that reoccurring dream about wading in an above-ground pool filled with guinea pigs.) I laid there freezing in my jamjams just wishing I were covered in a thicker layer of blubber to keep me warm. The thoughts of that day coming soon kept my spirits up through the night, and kept my mind of my chilly toes. Chilly toes... Chilitos... Chilitos: Chili Flavored Tortilla Chips! Genius! Everyone mark your calendar that today is the historic day that I created Chilitos!

Secondly, it turns out that cough syrup at 15 calories per teaspoon! Thats more that Coca-Cola! I have been drinking the stuff by the case load for the last four hours. I know the bottle says I should not exceed 60 mL in 24 hours BUT thats just a suggested serving size, like pasta! I don't think I've ingested this much cough syrup since the 7th grade winter ball! And that night was filled with magic: that pretty purple dress, the macarena with the soccer team,  my first slow dance with Krangdore, the troll king. Can't wait to see what magic tonight will bring. Im guessing something to do with hostess cupcakes and curry lentils!

Weight: 175

In the Office

Work at the office was difficult today. I had to keep sneaking away from my cubicle to stuff Mars bars down my already chocolate-coated throat. Oh gosh, am I already complaining?! I LOVE Mars bars! I should be grateful that while my coworkers are picking at a 10 oz tupperware of wilted romaine and baby carrots I could literally eat a baby and not feel bad about it going to my waistline! I could eat four babies and not worry. Four human babies!

I decided to come out to my workmates about my goal. They would have noticed eventually as the candy wrappers poured from my desk and people's lunches started to disappear from the fridge as if we were suddenly infested by an impoverished gnome family. I will, of course, need Sandra from HR on my side if I ever plan on getting a double wide rolley chair.

Janet from accounts cornered me by the communal refrigerator to compliment me on my "endeavors." However genuine her thoughts might have been, I couldn't help but notice her staring at a piece of nougat suck to my cardigan. Wise up, Janet, this nougat is mine.

Weight: 174 

So far, so baby. I mean, good.

Staying on Track

The first three weeks of starting (or ending) a routine are the hardest. It took me three weeks to become a vegetarian back in 2006 and its going to take me three weeks to get used to my 4700 calorie a day diet. Yesterday morning started out rough. As I stood in front of my celling high waffle stack, I questioned whether or not to use real or fake maple syrup. Before I set my goal to fill my bed with my own huge self, I wouldn't have thought twice and gone for the real, 100% local goodness. Because of its own natural richness you can always use less than Butterworth's stuff. But at this point, I need to go beyond taste and reach for those calories! So I poured on the whole jar of food coloring and simple syrup, and topped it off with some wholesome pints of coffee flavored Brigham's Ice Cream- after all, I still want to support local businesses.

This morning I couldn't help myself and grabbed a bowl of muesli- bad choice! Too much fiber! So I threw my treadmill off of the Mystic River bridge to make up for it.

The Start

Here are my starting facts and figures:

Age: 23
Gender: Female
Height: 5 feet (on the button!)
Weight: A lady never tells, but this is a blog and on blogs you have to be honest, so Im about 170.
BMI: 35. Means I'm technically obese ALREADY!

Goal Weight: 470
Goal BMI: 91.8

Its going to be a lot of work, but I can do it. Give me strength!

The Decision

OK, so here's the story. I just moved from my parent's house in the suburbs to beautiful, sweet Boston. As a part of my transition into adulthood, I decided it was time to buy a "Big Girl Bed" or at least something larger than the twin I have been sleeping in since I rolled out of the crib. So mom and I went to Herb's Rest Stop in Norwood to pick out my sleeping partner for the third of my life I spend curled up and snoring. There she was in the corner: simple, soft, secure. This queen sized wonder was mine the moment I laid eyes on her rippling cotton.

Our first night together was a bit awkward, sure, but it was wonderful. I slept in positions I didn't know were possible! Night two we cuddled soundly as if we were never apart. But by night three I noticed something strange, distant. It was loneliness. I never noticed it while sleeping in my twin built for one. There was suddenly too much space around me. It was cold. So this morning I decided a change was needed. I could only think of two ways to properly fill the bed to my comfort and satisfaction: buy a ton of pillows or gain 300 lbs. I decided to gain 300 lbs.

How hard can it be? I love food. I don't have a job that requires me to be svelte. And millions of people are big enough to fill up their queen sized beds, no problem! I decided to record my journey here, mostly for support and to help me keep on track.

How am I going to do it? By eating a lot, silly! It takes roughly 3200 calories to gain a pound and we lose about 1500 calories a day digesting and stuff, so as long as I eat at least 4700 calories a day for the next 10 months, Ill reach my goal by next winter!

That doesn't sound very healthy? Actors gain weight for parts all the time. So do bears for winter.

I'm looking forward to what this change will bring, both in my sleeping life, and personally. Plus I'll get to eat a lot of pie. And I love pie.